A Battle For My Love. Or My Bat Mitzvah Invitation.

I'm proud to say I have NEVER cheated on a boyfriend before. I have, however, made a mistake that is debatably worse than cheating.

In 4th Grade I sat at a desk in a group of four. Me, another girl, and two guys. I happened to have a crush on both guys in my group. So I went on crushing on them through fourth and fifth grade. I was boy cray-zeeee, but despite what I thought was obvious, my flirting went unnoticed by these two Romeos. (I realize that this still happens to me quite a lot. The unrecognized flirting, not the sitting at desks.) 6th Grade rolled around and I lost touch with one of the boys, while the other still had no idea I wanted to have his babies (in a non-sexual way or whatever is appropriate for eleven year olds).

This is how I went to school ONE DAY and one day only, in Fifth Grade.
I had just taken a full head of cornrows out and thought my hair
looked nice like this. This may have had something
to do with the unrecognized flirting. 
Let's admire my LTD2 sweatshirt.

At the end of 7th grade I finally started dating a guy I had been crushing on for...months. Let's call him Armageddon. A week into our oh so something relationship, I was at my brother's hockey game (for those of you that know my brother, let the laughter commence) and one of his teammates was the 4th grade hottie I lost touch with. We will call him Sparta. Sparta also happened to be my new boyfriend's BFF. Oh snap. 

After the hockey game I get home to find an IM (romantic!) from Sparta saying he's had a crush on me since we were little. What did I do? I confessed my undying crush for him, too! "But I'm with Armageddon now", I said. And after what felt like a long conversation, but was probably only a few minutes, I had convinced myself to break up with Armageddon (via IM, of course) and date Sparta, but we'd keep it on the DL for a little while. 

Well in middle school time "little while" apparently meant a few days. Or one day. I really forget. 

THIS. IS. SPARTA.

Since Sparta and I hadn't been friends in years, I hadn't invited him to my Bat Mitzvah, which was days away. Yes, that is correct, I broke up with one boy 6 days before my Bat Mitzvah and then started dating another. Well my parents told me I could not invite Sparta so last minute. I started crying and said it was unfair for me not to be able to invite my boyfriend. They finally agreed. Sorry, Mom and Dad, that was really horrible of me.

Looking back I realize two things. One, I was a total brat. Two, I made a mistake in being such a beyotch to both of those boys. I don't know what either of them are doing now, but we're still Facebook friends. 

I talk to the other 4th Grade boy once in awhile (he is no longer in 4th grade, if that was unclear). He may never know that I wanted to marry him that day in elementary school...even after he threw up in a box.

Friend? or Foe? or Friend?

So I've been thinking a lot about the difference between friends and stalkers and I've decided that it's almost impossible to decipher. Basically, if their presence annoys you AND they can't take no for an answer, they're a stalker. Friends will annoy you - fact of life. Usually a friend will take "no" for what it is, but then sometimes they don't. That really pisses me off. But more on that...probably never.

The commonality that makes the differentiation between friend and stalker so troublesome is that you refer to both with nicknames. Here's the difference: if the person knows about the nickname and refers to themselves by that as well, it's a friend. If the person does not know about the name, it's a stalker. If the person knows about the name, the name is offensive AND the person refers to themselves by it, it's a stalker.

Obviously this is a vicious never-ending cycle. Apparently all of our friendships are truly stalker-ships. [Someone please tell me when this gets added to the dictionary. If "LOL" can be in there, stalker-ship sure as hell should be.]

But honestly, if you're calling someone by their given name, they're probably not a good friend. 

Here is a very abbreviated list of things I call people who I consider besties:

-Osamo
 -Fish
 -Lamb
 -Bulldozer
 -Mount Everest
 -Little Foot
 -Joan
 -TT
 -Sir
 -Bieber  (I want to be clear that I do not know Justin Bieber. I just call a friend of mine Bieber sometimes. It is normal!)

Ten On Tuesday (3)!

Since no one sends me Ten on Tuesday questions, I have forced Matilda to write some. She could only think of five. I really like them. Keep it up, Matilda!


1. would you rather have sex with aunt jemima or mr clean?
tough one. good pancakes vs knowing you can't get an STD. also, woman vs. man. 

2. have you ever been so scared your peed your pants?
no.

3. what is your favorite food since you like to eat so much?
I love french fries. I love turkey. I really like french fries.

4. what is your fav talk show?
ELLEN!

5. how high are your highest shoes?
i'll guess...4.5"?

This next one came from an anonymous commenter!
6. How many highlighters are at your desk right now?
fourrrr. two yellow, one blue, one pink. 

I wrote these last four.
7. Who is the second to last person to call you?
My momma.

8. Are you listening to music right now?
yep! my Teddy Goldstein station on Pandora

9. What's under your bed?
some suitcases/bags, my external hard drive, some secrets...

10.How many keys on your key ring?
5

The One About Phoebe's Songs

After searching on a variety of fan sites for the # of songs Phoebe sings during FRIENDS ten year run, I can best gather that she sang 40+ different songs and mentioned at least 10 more.

I started thinking about this when I rewatched the episode where Phoebe sings at the children's center. The kids love her because she's "the lady that tells the truth", and for the same reason the parents hate her. Also, take a second to appreciate that Tahj Mowry appears in this ep. 

Now, because this is really fun and I'm really bored, I am going to dissect some of the songs featured in the aforementioned episode, as well as some of my favorite Phoebe songs. 

There'll be times when you get older                                      
And you'll want to sleep with people                                       
Just to make them like you                                                    
But DON'T                                                                         
Cause that's another thing that you don't wanna do
That's another thing that you don't wanna do
This is spot on. Do not sleep with people to make them like you. Only sleep with them to cure boredom. It is a proven fact that sex cures boredom. (Just kidding, I made that up. Please don't quote me in your prestigious articles. Yes, I have high hopes that people of prestigious-article-writing -levels read my blog.)

Sometimes men love women
And sometimes men love men
Then there are bi-sexuals
Though some just say they're kidding themselves
La-la-la-la-la-la...
This is just as relevant now as it was when the episode originally aired in 1996. And a very simple way to teach children. Notice that there is no judgement of any particular scenario. 

Now grandma's a person who everyone likes
She brought you a train and a bright shiny bike
But lately she hasn't been coming to dinner
And last time you saw her she looked so much thinner.
Now your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru,
But the truth is she died and someday you will too
La-la-la-la-la...
I would cry hysterically if someone sang this song to me. Also, what a cool grandma to just pick it all up and move to Peru! If only it were true...

...And the crusty old man said "I'll do what I can"              
And the rest of the rats played maracas                             
If all rats were like the ones in this song I wouldn't be so terrified of them. Also, I wonder what this song is about. What is a crusty old man?

Crazy underwear creeping up my butt
Crazy underwear always in a rut
Crazy underwear...
No need to call it crazy underwear. Underwear in general. Creepin' up my butt. I hate it. No. No. 

...dumb drunken b*tch!!                                                 
This might be about me. And most of my friends. 

What are your favorite Phoebe songs? Let me know in the comments!

Also, write more questions for the next "Ten On Tuesday"!

Kickin' 'em to the curb. Gently, of course.

You know what really sucks? Being dumped. There's really no "good" way to be dumped. Or to dump someone. The situation sucks whether you like or hate the person. Unless you're a cold hearted spineless form of human, breaking up is hard to do. I'll call it "breaking up" vs "dumping" because dumping sounds so sad. Like a piece of trash. Breaking up sounds more painful, but less violent. I can continue on my rant of which euphemisms are appropriate and not, but that will be another post. If I get around to it.

If you're thinking about breaking up with your significant other (or your random hookup, college kids), here are some ways to consider.

The text.

DO NOT DO THIS. If you're that much of a coward, you probably shouldn't be in a relationship. Your relationship also might be fake. A LIE. I said it. Yes I did. If you're texting, you have your phone, thus you can make the break up phone call.

The phone call.

Not the best idea, but better than the text. There are some situations when this MIGHT be acceptable. Long distance (of the permanent nature, not the "he's on a weekend trip with his parents"). Okay, just one situation.

The email.

In middle school my friend's boyf broke up with her in an email. She read it, claimed she was planning on breaking up with him anyway, then sent HIM a breakup email and claimed she had sent hers first. Why are we always so keen on being the dumper instead of the dumpee? Also, kudos to my friend. That was the best sneaky sleuth-y break up ever. We were also twelve so it was slightly more acceptable than it would be now.

The IM.

First of all, who still uses IM as a main form of communication? The last time I was dumped via IM was 9th grade. The last time I dumped someone over IM was... I either can't remember or am purposely blocking it out. Whatever. Don't do it. It's cheap and it dates you. The text is better than the IM. 

In person.

The best thing you can do. However, wear a lot of armor in preparation for the mass amounts of crap to be thrown your way. Remember in "The Parent Trap" when they reminisce and she reminds him she threw a hair dryer? That was quite tame. 

I have heard of breakups via Facebook and Twitter, but I'm too old to care about that nonsense anymore. I'm ignoring its existence and the possibility that it will ever happen to me or my friends.

All of this being said, future boyfriends (who I know aren't reading this because if you are a male reading this blog we either a) have already dated, b) will never date because my blog terrified you, or c) we are related), please don't break up with me via IM, email, or text. Also, I don't throw things out of anger, I usually do it out of excitement. 

I like spilling. No. I like spelling.

When I was in elementary school my mom was helping me study for my spelling test. She has reminded me that there were some really difficult words on the list, none of which I now know how to spell, but I knew them very well at the time. As I prepped my piece of paper, I asked mom how to spell...."spelling".

I'm not the best speller. I'll admit I rely a lot on the squiggly red line, but I also know how to sound things out. Because, you know, I'm an adult.

What really bothers me is when people are on the computer, typing an email, and ask me how to spell something. You're on the computer with the internet - look it up. Or, you know, you probably have a dictionary app on your super cool smart phone. 

Recently I've been asked how to spell the following:

Surprise

Command

Committed

Acceptance

Approximate

I'm really tempted to start telling people the wrong spelling. Like, throwing a "D" into the middle of a word and when the person looks sur(d)prised, I'd tell them it's a silent "D" that's always been there. Like Wednesday!

Also, my obsessive tv watching as a child (and as an adult) has really helped me spell difficult words. 

 

Matilda and Ms. Honey taught me Difficulty

Arthur taught me Aardvark

Full House and Danny Tanner taught me Success

 

Really, I'm just excited about aardvark. It's one of those words I'll probably never need to use, but I can if I need to!

A Case of Mistaken Identity

About a week ago I received a voicemail message telling me my failure to pay my gas and electric bill in the state of Maryland, despite many phone calls and mail reminders, had resulted in an upcoming court appearance.

This caught me off guard. I've never been the "registered" bill payer on anything in the state of Maryland. I never got phone calls or mail reminders. And the biggest thing that confused me?  My name is most certainly not Michael Cornin. Or Michael Clone. Or Michael anything. I couldn't totally make out the last name, but I'm sure they said Michael and I'm sure that's not my name. 

So I called the company to tell them I was not Michael, I did not know Michael, and they should probably call him to tell him he had to appear in court. The woman told me she's only in the phone receiving center, not the phone calling center, and there was no way for her to look up "Michael's" information and remove my phone number. 

BGE = Baltimore Gas and Electric

Dear Michael,

If you are reading this and your name is Michael and you live in the state of Maryland and have not paid your gas/electric bill in some time, take this as your heads up that some lady who can call you, but who you cannot call back, is looking for you to give you your court date.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Best wishes for staying debt free,

Melissa

Give me back my pants, you thief!

I like all the seasons equally. I really do. I also hate them all equally.

Summer. I hate you, east coast summer. Your 108 degree nonsense PLUS humidity is just unfair. I don't know who you're trying to kill, but chances are you've killed the wrong person with heat stroke and left your target frolicking through sprinklers. Or lounging by one of their many pools.

Whatever.

West coast summer, I'm finding you quite manageable once again.

But no matter where you are in summer, one thing will always follow you. Shorts/skirts/other things that aren't pants. Don't get me wrong, I love my skirts and shorts. What I don't love is remembering to shave my legs, or taking that extra five minutes in the shower to actually do it (when I remember, of course). 

My office has no air conditioning, so even if I wanted to I couldn't wear my pants. For the third day in a row I'm wearing a skirt paired with my unshaven legs. I promise you it isn't gross! But still, I feel like a social law breaker.

Not shaving my legs is also the reason I never was, and will never be, a cheerleader. For that reason only. 

I was a cheerleader for Halloween one year. I was still too young to shave my legs. That's why I could pull it off. 

This post wasn't funny. Sorry.

Ten on Tuesday (2)!

Here's another TEN ON TUESDAY. Again, these are from Roots and Rings.  Remember, you can submit questions too! You can comment below (or on any post) to ask a question. I have to approve them first, so you can write "_____? Please don't post this." So I'll have your question and I won't post the comment. I'll mark it as spam or something. 

1. How do you feel about Groundhog’s Day?
I hate that movie. And I don't understand the "holiday" either. Why get so worked up over it? It's cold, it's hot, it's in between. Weather. 

2. What color are your fingernails right now? (Bonus points if you include a picture.)
Turquoise and Caicos by Essie!

Yes, it's chipping. Shhh.

3. Do you like riddles?
Um. I guess I don't. Because whenever someone asks/tells me one I don't even think I just say "I don't know" and wait for the answer.

4. When you were 10, how old did you think “old” was? At your current age, how old do you think “old” is?
I don't remember. Maybe 50? Now I think 90 -- but it definitely depends on the person. I have a great-aunt in her 90s who acts like she's 20 - she's not old!

5. Do you wish on stars?
Nope.

6. Do you recycle?
Absolutely.

7. On a scale from 1-10, how good of a cook are you?
Um. I'll say 7. I've come a long way in the past two years. I asked a roommate if I could use olive oil in my cookies. I could not. 

8. Do you color your hair? Professionally or at home?
I do, but only once in awhile. At home. With a boxed kit. That I will only buy if it is on sale AND if I have a coupon. 

9. One a scale from 1-10, how do you rate your manners?
7. I need to stop talking with my mouth full. (YOU SEE THIS, MOTHER?)

10. Who are the last 5 people you have texted?
If twitter doesn't count... (yes, I text twitter to tweet from my phone because i don't gots one of them smarties)
1. Mike
2. Sarah
3. Gabby
4. Kelsey
5. Chris

Important Things I've Learned Post College

I spent the past week with family and friends in a variety of cities. I got to spend a total of 24 hours, non consecutively, in my hometown, but a lot of great time in Delaware and NYC. While frolicking I learned some things that I probably should have already known, but alas, it's just making sense now. I'm going to share with you some of the ones that are...something. Whatever, just read about this crap: 




I always thought Chipotle would be great for a hangover. Terrible idea. Just trust me on this one. 

As much fun as it might seem to get drunk with a grandparent, it's not. 

If you want to hail a taxi in NYC, you should stand in the middle of the road and almost get hit by reckless drivers. Near death = taxi success.

Refer to a Capri Sun as a "Capri Sun", not a "Juice Bag". It sounds like something else. Capri Sun is delicious no matter your age. Specifically Pacific Cooler. Those straws will always be difficult to use. 

It's not likely you'll be picked up by the Cash Cab.

Not all bars have SNY's "Beer Money" crew to ask you random sports questions at random times.

Do not let two different friends make you a drink, both using the same glass, at the same time. One will pour you vodka and the other will add water to it. It does not taste good.

Always remember that the opposite gender is a little bit dumb -- and some people are more aloof than others.

After drinking, do not set an alarm for the next morning and leave your cell across the room, forcing you to run to it. There is nothing like shooting out of bed, thinking you're fine, and trying to run in socks across a hardwood floor with a bitchin' headache and then falling over. 

Babies are really cute when they aren't yours. Poopie* diapers are for mom and dad, not cousin. 

Those 100-Ways Bras are best readjusted by guys. (I never ever thought that would be true, but alas, man type people seem to be more skilled in the bra region than women.)

The letters on the subway cars mean something.

Humidity is a beeyotch. I never want to look like Roseanne Roseannadanna. Not even on Halloween.

Eight year olds know about beer and will try to sneak some from you when you aren't looking (don't worry, they didn't get any)!






*This tried to autocorrect to potpie. I do not want a potpie diaper. That's just disgusting. Anything in a diaper is gross.


Look for another TEN ON TUESDAY later today!

abcdeFGjlmnqrz and my NYC subway journey

I write this as I sit on the LIRR to visit family. This morning I left Brooklyn at 7:45am at a station that has both the F and G trains. I wanted the F train. I forgot/didn't know that both trains arrive on the same track and you have to look at which one you're boarding. Can you tell where this is going?

I got on the first train that arrived. It was G but I didn't know at at the time. For both the F and G trains the first 4 stops are the same. I then continued 4 more stops on the G, which is now separate from F train, until I saw the girl next to me checking the station list on her ipad. I realized my stop wasn't listed. She helped me and then laughed. So I had to go back 4 stops and wait for the F train. A 45 minute trip into midtown Manhattan turned into an hour and a half of utter confusion.

When I think back I should have realized I was on the wrong train. I couldn't figure out why the train was so empty during rush hour on a Friday.

Finally getting on the correct train, it was very crowded. That made more sense, but I was still overwhelmed.

I made it into the city and then couldn't find Penn Station. I asked two people, neither of whom spoke English. One woman thought I was asking where Pennsylvania was. Then I found Penn and got on the train. Incase you need to know, Penn Station is in fact still in NYC and I did not need to drive to Pennsylvania.

When I venture back this evening I am taking a cab from Penn to Brooklyn. I am too directionally challenged to deal with this type of stress twice in one day.

The sex talk

One time I walked into a sex toy store with my mom. Oh, and also my grandma.

To be fair, none of us knew it was that kind of store before we walked in. The exterior was a gorgeous hot pink and seeing as I was around 18 years old at the time and still in my LIlly Pulitzer phase, I needed to go in.

Besides the girl working, we were the only three customers in the store. We didn't want to show our uncomfortability, so we tried to stay in the store and look as if we were genuinely browsing, not trying to hold back tears. Now that I think about it, it would have been okay to be "those" ladies freaking out in a sex toy shop. The employee must have thought we were all bonkers because, let's face it, what intellegent person brings three generations of women, all related, into this place together? No one.

Earlier this week I made a very quick trip to my parent's house and stopped by the grandparent's to say hi. My grandmother had just finished reading a book titled "Murder by Pantyhose" and in my adult mind, I took this to be a kinky act, bringing me to ask if she had read "Fifty Shades of Grey".

She told me she didn't know what that was so I said "it's a porno book for older women" to which she replied, "oh I love that stuff!" - with a little too much excitement I might add.

My mom and I then told her about Ellen DeGeneres' reading of it (you can see it here) and grams said "Oh, it's S&M?" We said yes and she panics, "Oh, I don't like that kind of stuff!"

Sleeping not so Beaut(ifull)y

For as long as I can remember I've slept through entire flights. Most of the time I've passed out before take off and don't wake up until after having landed.

Also, apparently I don't sleep....normally. People have taken pictures of me hunched over, head in my hands. They later tell me they thought I was angry or crying. No, that's just how I sleep.

As I type this I'm high in the sky about 3 hours from my destination and I've just awoken from a nap. Now, the people around me do not know that I've actually be awake for almost 40 minutes, but kept my eyes closed until about 10 minutes ago. The steward came around to take drink orders and I heard him, because I was awake, but as far as they were concerned, I was unconscious.


I heard the steward ask the woman next to me if I was sleeping. She laughed. "um. Wow. I think?" to be fair, at this point I was not hunched over, but rather sitting up right with my mouth and nose burried in the arm hole opening on my sweatshirt. Yeah I know it looked ridiculous. But you know what's even worse? I woke up becauses this woman, who's got to be in at least her late 50s is watching "The Hangover" with her husband and she's snort-laughing uncontrollably.

Also, the guy to my right, across the isle, is very cute. He's also single because I heard him say that to someone. If you read this, boy, let me know. Because you should hit me up. Thanks.

I'm going to try and sleep again, in the most awkward pstition ever so that it make everyone around me uncomfortable.

**After I wrote this cute boy started talking to me. We exchanged numbers. I don't expect to hear from him again...