Kickin' 'em to the curb. Gently, of course.

You know what really sucks? Being dumped. There's really no "good" way to be dumped. Or to dump someone. The situation sucks whether you like or hate the person. Unless you're a cold hearted spineless form of human, breaking up is hard to do. I'll call it "breaking up" vs "dumping" because dumping sounds so sad. Like a piece of trash. Breaking up sounds more painful, but less violent. I can continue on my rant of which euphemisms are appropriate and not, but that will be another post. If I get around to it.

If you're thinking about breaking up with your significant other (or your random hookup, college kids), here are some ways to consider.

The text.

DO NOT DO THIS. If you're that much of a coward, you probably shouldn't be in a relationship. Your relationship also might be fake. A LIE. I said it. Yes I did. If you're texting, you have your phone, thus you can make the break up phone call.

The phone call.

Not the best idea, but better than the text. There are some situations when this MIGHT be acceptable. Long distance (of the permanent nature, not the "he's on a weekend trip with his parents"). Okay, just one situation.

The email.

In middle school my friend's boyf broke up with her in an email. She read it, claimed she was planning on breaking up with him anyway, then sent HIM a breakup email and claimed she had sent hers first. Why are we always so keen on being the dumper instead of the dumpee? Also, kudos to my friend. That was the best sneaky sleuth-y break up ever. We were also twelve so it was slightly more acceptable than it would be now.

The IM.

First of all, who still uses IM as a main form of communication? The last time I was dumped via IM was 9th grade. The last time I dumped someone over IM was... I either can't remember or am purposely blocking it out. Whatever. Don't do it. It's cheap and it dates you. The text is better than the IM. 

In person.

The best thing you can do. However, wear a lot of armor in preparation for the mass amounts of crap to be thrown your way. Remember in "The Parent Trap" when they reminisce and she reminds him she threw a hair dryer? That was quite tame. 

I have heard of breakups via Facebook and Twitter, but I'm too old to care about that nonsense anymore. I'm ignoring its existence and the possibility that it will ever happen to me or my friends.

All of this being said, future boyfriends (who I know aren't reading this because if you are a male reading this blog we either a) have already dated, b) will never date because my blog terrified you, or c) we are related), please don't break up with me via IM, email, or text. Also, I don't throw things out of anger, I usually do it out of excitement.