Ima mofo K-L-E-P-T-0

I have a past. I know, I know what you're saying - "we all have a past, Melissa". Gosh you guys are smart! What I mean is...I have a past that includes kleptomania.*

When I was young, I stole a magnet from my Aunt's fridge. I was caught within minutes and returned said magnet without any jail time.

As an adult, I've developed a habit of collecting clothing from boyfriends. Depending on the terms in which we ended, I may or may not have returned said items.

I recently did a huge clean out and organization of my closet and in the process discovered some of these artifacts. Well of course I couldn't just simply donate to Goodwill - not just yet anyway.

From Josiah I had a white undershirt. I used this for an art project last summer. It is now my "Valdy <3s NY" shirt.

Look how cool my square head looks!

Marcus gave me a shirt he had two of. Not two in different colors. He owned two of the exact same shirt. Probably so when one went missing, he wouldn't cry.

Jonathan gave me a pair of sweatpants...with holes in them.

So, I used Marcus and Jonathan's well worn crap as dust rags. My room is so so clean! And their already gross clothes are really really gross now. Really. Gross.

A note to ex-boyfriends, boyfriends, and people everywhere. If you end on good terms you will either get your stuff back OR your girlfriend will hang on to it but never deface it. Most likely it will be a shrine to you. If you end on bad terms, your clothes are never coming back to you AND will be torn to shreds to use as cleaning supplies.

*I have NEVER stolen anything from a store. Also, when I say "stole" from a boyfriend, I mean he lent me something and I simply never returned it.