Brace Yourself

As a child I wanted glasses, a retainer, and braces. 

I lied on my eye exams hoping to get glasses. By the time I was 7...it had happened.

Lying about teeth problems is a little more difficult. I did, however, manage to get a bright yellow, glow in the dark retainer in fourth grade. That thing brought all the boys to the yard. In the sense that if the lights were out in the classroom I'd take out my retainer and use it as a flashlight. 

In 7th grade I got braces. Damn they looked good. Although less boys flocked to me because I was unable to guide them with my tooth-repairing-flashlight. 

I got my braces off right before high school started, but then had to wear another retainer to hold my teeth in. Because, I have dentures. Not really. I picked clear retainers. I don't know why I thought that was a good idea. I must have decided that if I was going to have mouth fun I needed to look mature. Note to self: no matter the color of your retainer, you look immature. I should've sprung for the multi-colored glitter. SHABAM. 

I still have glasses. Next time I will get glow in the dark frames to scare away all the humans, but to attract the aliens. Maybe I've been looking for the wrong type of man. Alien men, are you interested?