The Love Bug Bit Me!

You know where we've all been? Yes, Taco Bell at 1am, but that's not what I meant. I'm talking about that awkward moment where you have to decide between lying and telling the truth...about a hickey. 


Once someone told me to scrape a fork over it to make it disappear faster. You know what I say to that? I say "forks are for brushing hair, gosh! Did Ariel not teach you anything?" I'm quite fond of the results I get from my dinglehopper. 


I tried covering it up with makeup but I think I made it worse. I probably did it wrong. I'm not very good at putting on makeup.


I've gone the obvious but protective decorative scarf route. It usually works pretty well - it hides the visual despite the fact that everyone with a brain knows why you're wearing it. My parents came to visit me during college and we had planned to go to breakfast together. I woke up with a very very very obvious hickey, so I borrowed a scarf from my roommate - let's call her Joan. Joan is the queen of scarves. She has so many. They're the best. And so is she. 


Anyway, I threw on a scarf and left for breakfast with my parents. Mid meal my mom comments on how much she loves the scarf and says, "I didn't know you liked scarves! It looks so nice! Can you show me how to put it on so it looks like that?" At this point I'm beyond uncomfortable (apparently I'm always uncomfortable, but whatever. I was uncomfortable, i.e. normal) and begin to stare wide-eyed at my mother trying to get her to shut it. My dad has directed his attention elsewhere - he either knew what was going on and was smart enough not to ask, or was already annoyed by the girly banter that had begun only minutes before. Dad, I know you're reading this - did you know? Oh well, you know now.  Sorry.  I told my mom later that day to get her to stop asking. Her face was priceless. 


My parents later came back to my apartment and my room was spotless except for a shirt under my desk that was not mine, and obviously not mine. I blamed it on the boyfriend of another roommate, saying he must have been drunkenly stripping. I think they bought it at the time. Truth is out now!


Joan went a different direction. We were talking one morning when I asked her what was wrong with her lip. She insisted it was makeup but we quickly realized it was a bruise/bite mark. Of course Joan was spending time with her family that day and when her mom asked what happened, she announced she walked into a door. I don't know how you walk into a door with your lip, but apparently it's quite dangerous. I'm impressed, Joan. 


You can always say you burnt your neck on a hair appliance, but I suggest styling your hair accordingly. No one is going to believe you burnt yourself on a straightener if your hair is curly. 


So, to lie or not to lie? That is not the question. The question is 'how do I lie successfully?' I don't know. I keep trying to think of ways to lie but I'm a really bad liar. I mean REALLY bad. I might as well say a raccoon came running in and bit me.