Awkward Turtles and Other Creatures

We're all awkward. You know what makes things more awkward? Addressing the awkwardness. Or not. I haven't decided which makes me more uncomfortable. I'm a pretty awkward person and I'm generally uncomfortable. I take pride in the fact that I can make someone concerned in a matter of seconds. If you've seen me dance, you know it's awkward. And you also know to consider yourself lucky because I hate dancing. Here are a list of awkward things that I've thought about in the past few days (for a variety of reasons):

The Awkward Frog

You know what's really difficult? Trying to maintain eye contact with someone while using you tongue to find your straw. We should use our hands. It would be more attractive. But, I guess it's the closest thing to a tongue work out without kissing. Lame win. 

The Awkward Deer

You're at the mall browsing the racks in your favorite store. You look up and spot the perfect shirt on the other side of the room. Mesmerized by it's beauty, you briskly walk toward it only to crash face first into a mirrored wall. 

The Awkward Whale

There is a reason mom said to wait an hour to swim after eating. CANONBALLLLL! Then you float back to the surface and you feel like a billion pounds. You struggle to get out of the pool only flop down on the side without any energy to make it back to the lounge. 

The Awkward Turtle

Slow and steady wins the race. Or just slow and steady is how you walk when you're sad, with your shoulders hunched over. I don't care if you just got dumped, walk at a normal pace with your shoulders in a normal position. Overly hunched and overly broad shoulders or walking too quickly will make you look just as ridiculous. Be normal. Als, if you are hunched when you're younger, you will be stuck in a hunch when you're old. Straighten up, son!

The Awkward Human

The lady that waxes my eyebrows mentioned it was her 10 year wedding anniversary. We will call her Francine. [Does that make anyone else want to watch ARTHUR?] Another woman, we will call her Sad, was waiting for her appointment. Instead of sitting quietly, she noted that it was her anniversary as well. "It would be 34 years," she said. Sad started to tear up - she couldn't believe it had been nine years since her husband's passing. "He passed away two days after our 25th anniversary." So I said with a smile, "Twenty five years is so exciting! At least you got to spend that many together!"

Without missing a beat, Sad said, "Well, he was in a coma."