Flying High. Without Drugs, Plus a Plane.

Today I boarded a plane. You know all those movie scenes where people meet on an airplane and instantly fall in love, creating the greatest romance story of all time? I can't think of any of these movies, but I know I've seen them because they make me sad that I haven't fallen in love on an airplane. Maybe tomorrow?

But wait. I have fallen in love on an airplane. A few days before Thanksgiving last year I was sitting in the waiting area at O'Hare airport in Chicago and this guy sat down next to me. The area was packed and this was literally the last vacant seat. I need my space, so I wasn't thrilled about this, but I decided to just suck it up - we'd be boarding in 5 minutes. Then the gate agent announced our flight was delayed and he mispronounced our destination city. Guy next to me and I started laughing hysterically about this and proceeded to talk and talk and talk during our one hour delay. Mostly just small talk at first, but then everything got more and more personal. When it came time to board I asked if he wanted me to save him a seat - he did. We talked the entire flight (I think it was 1.5 hours) about everything. Everything.

This guy and I still talk and catch up on occassion. We continue to agree that neither of us has ever fallen that hard or that fast for any stranger.

So with that epic past I had really high hopes for today. And then a gorgeous guy sat next to me. Conversation began and about five minutes in he mentioned he was going to meet his wife for a weekend gettaway. Fantasy BUSTED. The flight was only 40 minutes and he fell asleep so I didn't feel awkward the rest of the time, except that I was nauseated and thought I might vomit on him. Oh well.

Reacting - Acting Again

So my parents read my blog. My mom's first response was, "I'm surprised you're funny." She then tried to cover that up by saying "Well, I know you're a good writer, I just didn't know you we're funny!" That made me laugh harder. Unrelated to my blog, my mom mentioned during a recent phone convo that she had a dream she and I were college roommates - currently. Upon telling my brother this he said, "oh god. that would be the awkward room. nobody would want to go there."

My dad thought he was a bad father and that I liked my mom more. My dad called to say he was relieved to know I had never been involved in a menage a trois. It's always nice to know that you're parents are proud of your achievements - or lack thereof. Also, my dad is mad he doesn't have a code name. I hereby knight you Francois.

One of my besties offered to buy me Chipotle next time we see each other. I replied that I would not sleep with her. I will be seeing her this weekend and I'm afraid.

A few weeks ago I asked my brother to write a guest post because I think he's pretty funny. He asked what the URL was to my blog. Asshole had never read it (I hope you see this, brother!)

Two of my friends proof read my stuff - Matilda and David. Matilda usually thinks it's funny. A lot of times David forgets to respond. 

Matilda asked me when I was getting married. I told her to shut it.  

A college friend told me he refused "to read anything about some saggy tits." Very blunt.

Neither of my parents ever commented on the hickey story. That was a relief.

My grandma said she likes weird humor and would read my blog. I don't know if she has because she's never said anything to me. The other option is that I've terrified her and she's abandoned me. Is this true, grandma? DO I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION? 

Are You There God? It's Me, Melissa!

Last Saturday I ventured into Hollywood for a play. I try to go into Hollywood as infrequently as possible - it's crowded and crazy and most people are dressed as different movie characters trying to take pics with your kids for money. People in costume terrify me. But I had heard great things about the play and I was going with friends so I took a deep breath and drove into the mess. As I neared the theater, I spotted something. Something...interesting. There, on the corner of Santa Monica and Vine was something I never thought I would see. It. Was. Jesus. 

I'm serious. Jesus was standing on the street corner waving and praying at passerbys in cars. First of all, his outfit was quite accurate. Second, this got me thinking about my childhood when  I imagined what God would look like. I pictured a really tall dude with a really long beard. Think Dumbeldore. I pictured walking past him in the shopping mall. He'd be walking past the candle store with his daughter, who was my age, on his shoulders. Bet you didn't know God had a daughter! But this candle store - it wasn't a Yankee Candle store or anything like that. It was one of those weird ones with rainbow colored candles in all different shapes and designs. Like pyramids. Or frogs. And God was just strolling right by it. Yes, this is what I envisioned as a six year old. 

Now, when I saw Jesus on Saturday I mentioned this to my friends who thought I was crazy until other friends arrived who also saw him. This got us thinking. Where has he been hiding all this time? I'm pretty confident that when the candle store closed he disappeared with it. Now, I haven't been back to that mall in many many years, but maybe the store reopened and with that came Jesus. Someone else suggested he was just a regular man in costume but I don't buy that for one second. Why wasn't his daughter there, on his shoulders?

Sup God? What happened to your daughter?

Going COMMANDO

So apparently guys find it sexy when a girl goes commando (I know this because of "Friends". Let's face it, I know most things because of "Friends").  If this is not true and just a "Friends" thing, please let me know. It would save me a lot of future embarrassment.

"Maybe if I wasn't going commando. I tell ya, it's 

hot with all this stuff on. I better not do any lunges."

"The One Where No One's Ready" 

Junior year of college while moving out of my apartment with the help of two friends, one male, I announced I was not wearing any underwear. This was meant to be a statement of fact and not a turn on in any way (which it was not because I hadn't showered or brushed my hair). Joan was there and her eyes got super wide. So I explained why I wasn't wearing undies, because the explanation would make everything better. It was twenty four hours before I trekked back to my parent's house and I was not making a special trip to the laundromat just for a pair of undies. So, seeing as I had no clean undies, nakie-ness was the next option.

Joan already knew I was a weirdo and she seemed okay with it - we had signed a lease for an apartment together for the next year. Mid senior year just when I thought I was still the weirdest Joan arrives home from class during a rain storm, clothes soaking wet, to prove me wrong. I had competition. The front door closes and seconds later as Joan walks up the stairs she screams "I'm just warning you I have no pants on! I'm in my house and they are off!" At least she was wearing underwear. 


If you're wondering if I'm wearing underwear right now, you're a sick sick sicko (thanks, Rachel Green!). But yes, I am wearing underwear. I always wear underwear. Because I have laundry facilities in my building now and I have no excuse for avoiding it. 

Ten on Tuesday!

Hey ya'll! So I've decided that once in awhile I'm going to do TWO POST TUESDAYS! where one of the posts is a TEN ON TUESDAY! Today's set of questions I got from Chelsea at rootsandrings.com

Each time I do a TEN ON TUESDAY I'll pull questions from different sites, but you know what the best is? When you guys send them in! If you have a fun list of questions (or just one question) leave it in a comment below or tweet it at me @mynaytcha!

ALL ABOUT THE 90′s!

BSB on "Sabrina"

1. Which boy band was your favorite and your favorite song?'

I was a BSB girl. Nick Carter? Wanted to marry him. I loved "Quit Playing Games (With My Heart)". (I hate when song titles are partially in parentheses.)

2. Your favorite spice girl?

Scary! I used to dress up as her at my Spice Girls parties - which I had quite frequently.

3. Did you ever try the orbit drink?

I have no idea what this question means.

4. What brand of clothing were you in to?

Limited Too!! I loved my grey sweatshirt with the puffy orange LTD2 embroidery. In fifth grade we'd wear them every Monday. Seriously.

Britney on"Sabrina"

5. Did you watch TGIF?

YES! I had a sleepover party once and I stopped our movie to watch Sabrina. 

6. What news story in the 90′s do you recall?

Columbine shootings.

7. List which you think had the best talent. Jessica Simpson, Mandy Moore, Britney Spears, and Christina Aguilera.

I own at least one album from each of them. I was a big Britney fan. I had a poster of her in my room. 

8. Did Marilyn Manson creep you out?

YES. 

9. Who was your BFF?

Well over 10 years I had quite a few. Brett, Adam, Emily, Alex, Sam, Jennie, Elyse, Alex, Lauren, Stacy, Sarah, Kim, Carly. There are a lot more, but I'm gonna stop because I'm boring myself. 

10. A picture of you in the 90′s.

Apparently my taste was quite similar to that of the "Sabrina" producers. 

"The Real OC" seems a little...fake.

Yesterday I sat on my couch as this little cutie snuggled me. Never really thrilled about dogs, this little guy is very sweet. He doesn't bark, doesn't jump, and doesn't like to play. He's literally a dream. And his name is Walter. With him by my side I decided to watch some episodes of my once favorite show - Laguna Beach. 

Within two minutes of watching an episode I questioned my early high school years. What did I love about this show? These people didn't live the most normal lives. Most of the girls chomp on gum like…I don't know. Like something. But in the midst of completely rethinking my decision making skills I heard a few lines that made me thing "WTF yo?" 

At the beginning of "What Happens in Cabo…" LC and Jen Bunney are walking and Jen explains, "I stepped on the $200 straightener. I don't put it away for once. My mom fires our maid because she stole all our silverware so I'm a little unused to cleaning up for myself."  First concern, why is your straightener on the floor? Regardless of price, that should not be on the floor. Second, I feel like silverware is a very interesting thing for the maid to steal. She probably should've gone after something equally or more valuable, but something that was less likely to be noticed. 

So then they're in Cabo, because that's where all high school students go for spring break trips (not to forget, they stayed at an unrealistically nice hotel). And Lo announces "I went to Cabo to get away from the drama, but it followed us." When I need to get away from drama I find new friends. Sometimes. Or I just sit in my room alone and try to sort out my own shit before I try dealing with anyone else's. Also, Lo, if you wanted to get away from drama you probably shouldn't have travelled with the drama-creators. 

http://surfme.wordpress.com/2012/01/page/33/

Lo appears to be the most "normal" when she tells LC she's never been to a concert before ("The Best Part of Breaking Up…"). She and LC then argue over who gets to take CMM to prom (yeah it's a ridiculous expectation but we've all fantasized about our celebrity prom date. Mine? Doug Brochu). Also, Lo's dad wouldn't let her go to Catalina because there wouldn't be any parents. Sounds like a really respectable guy.

After the Blink 182 concert a midget calls the girls sluts and then threatens to fight Trey. There's a lot wrong with this but mostly it's just funny.

And the prom episode, filled with more Prom-posals than actual prom dancing. Deiter and Jessica, cute. Gary and Morgan, adorable. Stephen and Kristin? CREEPY. So first he leaves her anonymous computer typed notes with her name misspelled and she thinks she has a stalker. Then for the big reveal he leaves roses on her front doorstep (sweet!) and climbs through trees and bushes and over the fence into her backyard and gets into the house. Kristin, Stephen is a creepy stalker. He's friends with your brother, Mike and it would have been less sketchy to ask Mike to be let in - through the front door. 

Pre-prom LC, Lo and Jen go to pick up Morgan, Christina and Kristin and "lo"and behold Lo and Morgan are wearing different dresses, in different colors, but with the same pattern. They joke about it, but behind Morgan's back Lo announces "she [Morgan] is a whore." I don't understand the progression, but I do understand the frustration. I showed up to my senior prom wearing the same dress as another girl. My whole graduating class was under 70 people. But wearing the same dress makes someone a whore? I'm really a confused...

And then the good cast members went to college and Season 2 began with the terrible people. Then Season 3 was comprised of completely new people. But then MTV decided to make the same show, but call it "Newport Harbor". The difference in the shows? The city. 

Haven't you ever seen "Taken"?

No, I haven't. That's why I walked home alone at 4am in Cannes. Yes, Cannes is an all night party and people rage at all hours and there are always groups of people on the street regardless of the hour. What you don't know is that the bars close at 3am and by 4am all the sane people are having unprotected sex with strangers and all that's left are the crazies who can't seem to put their clothes on properly. Maybe they never had them on properly to begin with. I don't know. If their clothes are on correctly, chances are those people don't speak any English -- and I don't speak any useful French (I learned "I like your shoes" and "I would like the check, please").


Before this night even began Delilah and I decided we'd be lesbian lovers as to avoid being hit on by any Malfoys (to understand this, refer to previous post). A few drinks into the evening and that plan went out the window. Drunk Delilah was angry and yelling at me to leave dinner with friends to which I replied sweetly, "Lesbian Lover, these are my friends, let's stay." She then screamed to the entire table, "I cannot be a lesbian lover. I LIKE PENIS!" Way to stay classy, D. 

Isn't this one of the best photos ever taken? I know!
Diddy on the Red Carpet a few nights after his party that we didn't go to.

So we leave dinner to head home (it's after midnight...) and I lose Delilah in a crowd of people. She's trying to push her way into P. Diddy's party. I convince her to come with me but of course, the relatively sober one never holds the power. I am dragged to another bar. 


At 3am, the bar closed and Delilah was gone. No idea where she had gone seeing as I had the only set of keys to our apartment. But I had seen her minutes before and suddenly she had disappeared.  Oh, also, Delilah didn't have a phone. 


I get a text from one of our friends saying he was with her, everything was fine. Awesome. Until I realize I don't know how to get home. I said the street name to a man who helped me. He tried to give me very lengthy directions, in French, but I stared at him until he just made hand gestures (those things are amazing!) I walked home, almost a full mile, alone, at 4am. I talked to Joan on my way back - that phone call cost me $18. Worth it. 


Yeah I know it was stupid to walk home alone. It was really stupid. But it's in the past and I survived. I still haven't seen "Taken". 

I guess this is from the movie? Guess I'll never know...

Like the Craigslist killer, but different

Craig has the potential to be a very sketchy man. Not all the time, but the possibility always looms. I was apartment hunting and took Kitty (a person) with me for safety. Most of the places were quite legit and safe and blah blah blah. And then we went to the illegit place. This is a true story about the time Craig failed me and almost got away with murder. 


On the phone with the landlord days before actually visiting, he told me he wouldn't be there to let me in "but the door inside from the garage will be unlocked. Just go in, it's apartment 3." Sketchy, but the pics of the place were nice and worth seeing in person.


So Kitty and I make our way down the street and come to find the door from the garage is more accurately a door from the alley. We're already unimpressed with this place, but we're here and might as well take a look at the apartment. 


The door is unlocked and we venture in, shutting the door behind us. I repeatedly say, "This place is a shit hole." So less than one minute later we're ready to leave and we're stuck. The door has locked from the inside and we can't get out. I'm not joking. We were locked inside the sketchiest apartment ever. 


The window was open so I popped out the screen, climbed out the window and unlocked the door. This is not a joke. I had to climb out of a window - and nothing was on fire.


We couldn't run away because Kitty has a swollen ankle, sustained from hardcore soccer playing. Girl is a true athlete. So we slowly walked away from our near death experience.


Yes, we escaped physically intact, but emotionally neither of us will ever be the same. 

Single And Not Actively Looking To Mingle

When someone asks me "when are you gonna get married?" I get really angry. Then I take a step back - How old is the person asking me this elusive question? Under the age of 10, it's legit. Between 10 and 15 you're being a smart ass, and over 15 you're simply an asshole. Same thing is true in reverse - over the age of 80 is legit, between 75 and 80 you're a smart ass, and under 75 you're an asshole.


Try to think back - who in your life asks you that question? It's never friends. It's always family. Not necessarily your parents, but aunts and uncles, cousins, and grandparents. Depending on who asks, you have a few options for responses. 

Quite likely the reason I'm not married. Because of just this picture. Not the hundreds of others exactly like it...

For aunts and uncles - "I don't ever plan on getting married. I think single life with wild animals is the new married with children."  -- Be advised, this is not an appropriate answer to give your grandparents. Grandparents want great grandchildren. Don't get their hopes up.


For grandparents - "I have very high standards and no one has exceeded them yet." Great way to show them you still have some standards. Also, it makes it seem like you're still trying. 


For young cousins - "I'm too young to get married, silly!"


For older cousins - "You're not married, why should I be?" or "Your marriage doesn't seem to be working out too well. I don't want to fall into that same trap."


Parents - "Stop asking me that damn question." - You can say whatever you want to your parents because they still have to love you. 


Then there's the super awkward moment when an ex asks you this (yes, this has happened to me). My best advice is to laugh at that. 


After I'm asked I try really hard to look calm but inside my eyes and veins and other body things are on fire and seconds from explosion of catastrophic proportions.

thanks, #howdoiputthisgently  

So deeeeeeep breaths. And hello, alcohol!

I Should Legally Change My Name

I'm sad to publicly admit that I didn't see Now & Then until 2003. Well, I'm not that sad. If I were really sad I wouldn't tell you. But I am telling you. 


After I first saw it I watched it again and again for a whole week, even making my grandmother watch it with me. Since I refused to sit in a chair or put my computer anywhere but the floor, I made my grandma sit on the floor with me to watch. It's okay, she's 24 (that's what she continues to tell us). She did not enjoy the movie as much as I hoped she would. Lame. 


So I sit down to watch for the first time with 5 of my friends. We're sitting on the floor even though we're surrounded by comfy sofas and chairs (I think floor sitting must be a staple of youthfulness). You know right at the beginning when they all jump on their bikes and ride off and Chrissy can't keep up? That prompted all of my friends to agree that I was Chrissy. I tried to deny it, but it was true. I'm Chrissy. 


I need to eat a lot. 


I'm relatively naive. Talking about sex or anything remotely related to it never fails to make me uncomfortable. 


I will give you mouth to mouth if you're dying. 


I really wanted a pink tree house after I saw this movie. I would happily keep track of a tree house fund. 


I will help you paint your garage only if you let me eat more than I paint. 


You know what's really great knowing that I'm Chrissy? I get married and have a kid first and I'm the only one without an addiction to plastic surgery or nicotine/alcohol and on top of that I don't have to work because my husband is a filthy rich nerdy dentist. (I have no intention of marrying any time soon, but I'll still marry first, even if I'm 90. Also, I have a fear of dentists so I'm slightly worried this will effect my chances of marrying a dentist.) 




There are only three reasons I'm not Chrissy. I hoped there would be more proof, but I've given up.

-I've left the state and have little intention of permanently moving back (and taking over my childhood home) any time soon. 


-I have never owned a clear raincoat that looks like a giant condom (thanks for that one, Matilda). 


-I know you can't get pregnant from kissing.






Here are the only reasons I can think of for why I'm not the other girls.


-I'm not Teeny because I don't want, nor have I ever needed, a boob job. I was, however, quite curious what it would be like to stuff my bra using water balloons filled with pudding. I still think that would be a fun experiment (but unlike Chrissy I really don't care about the flavor of pudding used).


-I'm not Roberta because I never taped my boobs down and I could never be a doctor. The thought of doctory things makes me nauseous. 


-I'm not Sam because I'd never climb into a sewer drain. 

This is a surprise...

Today is my little brother's 21st birthday and in honor of this joyous occasion I'm going to tell some fun stories about him.


Last night I texted him "happy birthday" at midnight. To which he replied "thank you! happy birthday to you too!"


When we were really little we were playing on the roof of our plastic log cabin in the backyard when a plane flew overhead. Both of us were convinced it was only a few feet above us and we almost touched the wheels. Our parents have tried to convince us ever since that the plane was high up in the sky and we would not have touched it. Jingleheimer Miboobiefarty and I will believe, for the rest of our lives, that even though no one else agrees, that plane was touchable. 


Brother forgets important birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays. Last month I called home to see if my mom had gotten my mother's day gift and brother says "Mom, did you get our gift?" OUR. OUR GIFT. 


Even though I'm the "big sister" he used to beat me up a lot. He used to video tape me while I cried which made everything exponentially worse - this occurred multiple times. A few days ago he IMed me code for pooping. Like it was a computer program. It was special.  There was the time we made rock candy at 1am. He refuses to watch "Arrested Development" with me but he'll scream "STEVE HOLT!" like he knows what he's talking about. 


I was 19 and in the heart of my scriptwriting obsession. I was home from college on winter break and had poster boards filled with loglines and story arcs. Brother walked in and asked if he could help, so I told him to write some story ideas down on index cards. He quickly comes back to me and hands me something that reads "A boy who communicates with spirits that don't know they're dead seeks the help of a disheartened child psychologist." I smiled and said, "This is great! But it sounds a lot like 'The Sixth Sense', have you heard of it?" He said he hadn't and I began a long rant on why he needs to see it ASAP, giving detailed information on every plot point. He listened to me for at least five minutes before he finally said, "I just copied that synopsis from IMDB" and then burst into laughter. 


But here's my all time favorite and one that he probably doesn't remember, but it's perfect for a 21st birthday story. You're welcome in advance, brother. 

He was around 3 years old and I was 5. Our bedroom doors are directly across from each other so out parents use to sit in the hall between the rooms...for fun. No, I don't know why they did that. One night there was a towel on the floor "connecting" our doorways and we crawled on it in between rooms. And then brother threw up on the towel (nice!) AND on my favorite book. 

Happy birthday, brother. Please don't throw up on any books (or people) tonight. Love you tons!

Now here's the SURPRISE! I got in touch with a bunch of brother's friends and asked them to jot down a few funny stories for this. Here ya go: [Everything is word for word from the friends except I changed his real name to his name of choice.]

Pic courtesy of Kelsey

BEN

There was that one time where me and him went through a "5 year phase" of making ridiculous videos. One of which was a nature documentary not long after my family got Eddie [dog]. Jingleheimer Miboobiefarty was holding the camera and Eddie who must have been all of 2 years old and 14 pounds knocks him over and you hear Jingleheimer Miboobiefarty screaming OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD EDDIE NO NO NO EDDIE OW! and eddie is just 

growling. i have vowed to send that video into americas funniest home videos for years now.

because all you see is the camera moving wildly and you can only hear what is unfolding and at one point eddies open mouth pops into the corner.

Pic courtesy of Kelsey

We made an iron chef parody where i filmed and Jingleheimer Miboobiefarty confronted my mom in the kitchen and screamed out every small thing she was doing. "SHE IS SLICING THE TOMATOES SLICING THE TOMATOES I CANNOT BELIEVE WHAT I JUST SAW!"

There are so many other stories its like a whirlwind, he is definitely one of the most imaginative and creative people i have ever known. It was never a dull moment growing up with Jingleheimer Miboobiefarty for all those years. He was my best friend back then and even though we dont see each nearly as much as we used to, when we get together it is like nothing has changed.

Pic courtesy of Alisha

JASON

nope


ALISHA
super speed shower races

ABBY and HANNAH

He's done fake science experiments in our bathroom a few times.
He seriously loves to talk about pooping. 
And the best is when he went through his parkour phase and seriously parkoured everywhere...like in our honors lounge.


just HANNAH

One time, he had me cut a full plaster cast off his arm with a scissor and xacto knife. I was certain that I was going to stab him, but he is a very trusting boy indeed.
He spent many, many minutes pondering what the world would be like if everything was nipples.

just ABBY
THE TIME HE CUT MY HAIR! i mean, i asked him for a trim and he cut off like 5 inches and said "i think that's the worst i've ever done anything!"

SAM

i dont know if i have anything specifically but he is a weirdo for sure

Pic courtesy of Kelsey

Check out his blog here

That's called herpes.

Toward the end of Cannes I was at a bar with a bunch of friends. This bar happened to be a karaoke bar with rainbows and unicorns on the sign (I think. I just remember a lot of strobe lights that I kept claiming were giving me seizures. It was also really loud and I repeatedly yelled at my friend, let's call her Sadie, that it was too loud. Yes, I'm still only 22.)


So before I go any further there's something I need to tell you about the trip. My coworker, Delilah, and I came up with code words. "Griffith" meant a guy was a real hottie. Sadie added on to this - "Malfoy" meant run away fast because he's creepy.


Alrighty, now that the logistics are out of the way, "back to the karaoke bar," as they say! (Do they say that? Now they do!). One of the guys we met was a real Griffith. I mean woohoo Griffith. And then he opened his mouth and the shit started pouring out. That man must have really needed sex. Maybe he was just really effin' stupid. It doesn't really matter what prompted him to say any of this but let it be known that if you want anyone to think highly of you, don't talk. 


It's natural to ask someone what they're doing at the festival. A lot of people show up just to crash parties and have absolutely no business being there so it's really refreshing to meet someone who is actually working. "I'm an actor in a movie about 9/11, but from the human's perspective."  Sorry, what? Were there other accounts from animal perspectives? 


Sadie and I decide to listen to his conversation with a girl and fully expected it to be hilarious. Were we disappointed? You be the judge of that. "You're not hot, you're cute. I'd make you a trophy and put you on my mantle." OK, he's right - girls don't want to be called hot, but we don't want to be told we aren't hot, either. And then he said this: "We're both middle of the road [in terms of attractiveness], we can go up or down." I'm sorry, what?! Apparently there has to be a certain "distance of hotness" between a couple and cannot exceed...something. I never knew about this rule before so I'm still slightly confused. Will someone explain this?


As the night progressed this already oh-so-classy gentleman proceed to vomit in the street and then whimper about how embarrassed he was about being 32 years old and vomiting from drinking. Yes, THIRTY TWO. 


So Sadie and I peaced out, leaving the drunk creeper to continue his plea for sex. On the walk home, Sadie said the greatest thing to ever be said. "I could never sleep with a stranger. I can flirt, I can do the drunk makeout, I'll even wake up with a cold sore." To which I responded, "Um, that's called herpes." We all have herpes. Think about that one, ya'll.

Popos and Hohos

Yesterday I was walking to lunch (Chipotle, obv!) while on the phone with my mom when I witnessed a car crash (don't worry, no one was hurt). I stood around to give a witness statement to police and made small talk with another witness as well as the two drivers while we waited for the popo. Both drivers were very nice to me but were demons to each other!


The guy started yelling at the girl things like, "you're a junkie! look at you! you shouldn't even be driving!" Nice one, guy. He proceeded to make fun of her outfit which was kind of a valid argument. It was not pretty. 


The girl's friend showed up to wait with her. She arrived wearing Kermit slippers. Way to be an adult. (Actually I'm secretly jealous of the awesomeness of those slippers. I just wouldn't leave the house wearing them.)


The two refused to exchange insurance information until the police arrived. I don't know why, it really didn't make any sense. No one was injured, they technically never even had to call the police, but whatever.


So the popo finally shows up over an hour later and forces the two to exchange info. This is the time the "junkie" decides to admit she doesn't have her insurance card with her and therefore cannot provide proof of insurance. You know what that means? Fine and court date. Sucks for her seeing as she also caused the accident. That made me laugh hysterically. I know I shouldn't have laughed, but it was really funny. Karma is a bitch.


Girl also didn't call a tow truck until the policeman points out the ever so obvious that she can't drive her car because one of her wheels is inoperable. (I wonder how much longer she sat in the intersection...)


The other witness and I wait around a little longer (it's now been an hour and a half since the accident) and then popo FINALLY tells us he doesn't need any statements because he's not filing a report.


Great waste of an extra long lunch break. But my Chipotle was delicious! 

Napping isn't just for children!

My mom and I are very similar. If we're tired we need a nap and we can't go on without one. After the festival I met my mom in Barcelona for a little vacation time. Our second day there we walked a few miles to a shopping area. We had lunch and walked into a mall when I suddenly got very very tired. I sat down and fell asleep...for over an hour. In the middle of a crowded mall. Apparently some little boys made fun of me and my mom laughed with them. I guess I sleep in a position that I can only describe as "Tebowing while sitting down" and these boys masterfully mimicked me.


Then I woke up and got out of that mall as fast as possible. I'm pretty sure melatonin was seeping through the walls and making me sleepy.


After a few days in Barcelona we went to London. Our first day there I insisted on shopping and walking the extent of both Oxford Street and Regent Street. At some point during our first trip down Regent Street my mom got really tired and needed to take a nap. She chose the best place in the whole world to do this - Gilly Hicks. If you don't know what Gilly Hicks is, it's a weird love child of Abercrombie and Hollister. Gilly smells equally as overwhelming and is just as dimly lit as his parents. He's a little bit of a slut - half naked male and female models are all over the damn store. (Some of them should not talk. They did not come off very intelligent even though the British accent was sexy as hell.) 


I would have been really angry at my mom for sleeping in the middle of a store had I not made her watch me sleep in the middle of a mall less than 48 hours prior. I do, however, ask that next time she needs a nap break she pick something a little less terrifying. Maybe Starbucks. Or even...I don't know. Just not anything that smells that bad. When we walked back outside after her nap it was like seeing sunlight for the first time. My eyes couldn't adjust and I kept seeing spots everywhere. How are you supposed to shop in a store when you can't see what you're looking at? 

6.1.12 and 8,019 (but only those numbers)

I've tried really hard not to write this post. I really want everything on here to be light-hearted, but sometimes things are just too powerful in my life for me not to write about and this is one of those things. 

June 1, 2012 at 6:48 pm PST was a life changing moment for me and for so many other people all over the world. Less than twelve hours prior to that moment I returned to the US after three weeks in Europe AKA three weeks when I was unable to watch a complete baseball game. Around 4pm I sat on my couch, iPad on my lap with the Mets SNY feed ready to go, so excited to be able to watch nine uninterrupted innings of Cardinals vs. Mets ball. 

It was Beltran's first game back at Citi Field since being traded last July and Adam Wainwright was on the mound for the Cards. I couldn't wait to see how the fans welcomed Beltran who had been such a huge part of our team for so long, and how they welcomed Wainwright, the man that crushed our dreams so many years ago.  

From my previous post you know that I love baseball, so much so that I cry sometimes. The last time I cried over a Mets game that I watched live was October 19, 2006. I had been in attendance the night before to see the Mets tie the series against the Cardinals, taking them only one more win away from a World Series berth. On the night of the 19th, I sat on my parent's bed, jumping up every half inning to update my away message (the best one was "The fat lady hasn't even begun to sing!"). My brother was on the floor and my mom and dad were sitting on the bed too. We weren't saying much, but then Endy made that catch. That's when we knew we had it. And with two outs in the bottom of the 9th with the bases loaded, Beltran struck out looking against Wainwright and I cried. And cried. And cried. 

I wanted to witness Mets history in my lifetime and I never thought that would happen. I counted every game played without a no-hitter. 8,019. But something told me Friday was the night everything would change. In the third inning I knew we had a shot and it took all of my strength not to call my dad to make sure he was watching. In the 5th my dad called and all I said was, "Are you calling me for the same reason I want to call you?" He said, "Yes, but let's not say anything else" and we hung up. 

And then Adrian Johnson ruled Beltran's hit foul. (Adrian Johnson is my favorite umpire. I went to a game when he was in Pittsburgh and cheered for him until he smiled and waved at me. Obviously he's still my favorite. Yes, it's possible to have a favorite umpire.) I needed to make sure my friends knew what was going on, but I didn't want to jinx it. I texted a friend from college and said "Don't say anything.. no words. i know you know what i'm talking about" - and he did know what I was talking about. 

And then Mike Baxter made that catch. And we were getting so close and it was taking everything in my power not to call people. 

I was screaming and pulling my hair and trying hard to remain as calm as possible so my roommate didn't have me committed. I screamed to him we were one out away and he ran over to watch with me. 

R.A. Dickey waiting...
(my picture)*

And then it happened. 

(my picture)*

And then I cried. I grabbed my phone and called my dad. He could barely understand me through the tears. And then the phone calls and texts flooded in. I managed to pull myself together for a little while until I started watching recaps and reading headlines. June 1, 2012.

(my picture)*

I will forever remember hearing Gary Cohen say, "It has happened!"

*It's what all the great photo journalists put with their shots. 

A really cool blog post you should read about this night from megcassidy. She's also a great blogger AND a Syracuse Alum!

"Getting Lucky" and other things you say that confuse me

Apparently you get lucky when you have sex but also when you win on the slots. How do you tell the difference when it's said in conversation? What if someone means they had sex and you respond with "OMG HOW MUCH DID YOU WIN?!" And then it spirals out of control.

They think I asked how many times they had sex, to which they reply some number that's pretty solid in terms of sex but really weak for winning on the slots. But now think of it in reverse - they won on the slots and they think you asked about sex. Awkwardddd. 


I was curious to find out what other people thought it meant so I asked BFF David (he picked his own code name and I don't really like it. Sorry.) He's really classy so I'm just gonna tell you his response straight up: "they boned. depends on the person. if they are liars it means they got the old hj". He holds nothing back. 


So I asked my brother (who has asked to be called Jingleheimer Miboobiefarty*) because I felt like it. "he probably got his hands on the new, hard-to-find party drug, "lucky". I thought he was serious and wanted to know what this new drug was that I hadn't heard of. (Note to ya'll who don't know me: I don't know about drugs. I still don't know which you snort and which you shoot. You shoot hoops - that's what I know.) Well, he was joking. Unless neither of us know about this new drug. Someone please enlighten me. 

There are a lot of other phrases that make no sense. Or maybe they do make sense and I just don't understand them. 

1) "Bingo bango." I've heard people say this. I don't know what they're trying to tell me. 

2) "Bat shit." Have you ever had a bat poop on you? Do bats poop? How can someone go "bat shit crazy"?

3) "Tits McGee." That's an unfortunate first name to have.

4) "The bee's knees." Wait. What? Bees have knees? New information!

5) "YOLO!" You sound ridic. Shut it.

Things I suggest you say in place of the above phrases:

1) "Whoa!" or "That's all, folks!" I don't know what the exact translation is. 

2) "Insane."

3) I still don't know what this means so I have no suggestions.

4) "The flower's pollen" or "The tree's sap". Don't say either of those. Just smile and say you like it. Simplicity is key. 

5) "You only live once." It's four words, it doesn't need an abbreviation. Also, depending on your beliefs you may live multiple times and it's really hard to say YLMT.

Bingo bango, ya'll. I gots work to do and YOLO! -Tits McGee

*He's a week shy of 21 years old.

I'm back, bitches…

…and I still don't know everything, but I'm working on it. (What if A had said that?) Happy happy day - PLL returns for season three tonight on ABCFamily at 8:00 pm (I don't even work for them, so why the plug? I don't know, I'm just me.). Even happier - I'm back and better than ever! After 3 amazing weeks galavanting around Europe, I'm back in (what now seems only adequate) Southern California. 


First let's recap PLL's Season 2 Finale. Mona is A. Bo-ring. We knew it. Recap over. [To be fair, I actually care a great deal about this, but to spare you all I won't go into further details.]


It's going to take me multiple posts to recap my life in Europe. I have a lot of great stories and a few not-so-great ones. Naturally, the not-so-great ones are much more humorous, but we'll get to those in upcoming posts. Even though I still don't know everything, here is a list of things that I now know after traveling a bit.


1) If you speak in another language with confidence, the person will answer you in that language and expect you to understand. It doesn't matter if you only know how to say that one thing you already said - it seems like you know more. For example, in Spain I asked a lady how to get somewhere. She gave me a very very long speech which I only understood because of the hand gestures she used.


1a) Hand gestures are more useful than you think.


2) There are douche bags all over the world. And they all read the same "How to Get a Girl" books. And they all use the same lines.


3) A lot of British people don't know who Sophia Grace and Rosie are. That was a huge disappointment.


4) 


Crap, I thought this list would be a lot longer. Oh well.