Growing Up and Sagging Down

Some girls are in a real hurry to grow up. Listen to me girls, you don't want boobs. I know they seem cool when you're younger, but sooner or later they're gonna start to sag and that is NOT cool. Also, you don't want to wear makeup. One, you don't know how and you look like a clown. Two, when you get older you want to sleep as much as possible and wearing makeup means waking up earlier than you need to. 

I wanted to grow up fast. When I was two I asked my mom when I'd have big bosoms (yes, I said "bosoms". This was at the time when I still using the anatomically correct terms.) She told me "when you're older". So at 6am on the morning of my 3rd birthday I sprinted into my parent's bedroom and asked, "Mommy! Are my bosoms big yet?!" They were not. Shocking, I know. I used to tape tissues to my chest to make it look like I had boobs. I looked ridiculous, not sexy.

In college I ran into one of my roommate's bedrooms and announced how sad I was that my boobs (sorry, Mom. BREASTS) were sagging. A few weeks later she saw my boobs (loooong story) and told me they were very perky. Self esteem restored. Also, I'm not sure if I should be worried that my roommate looked long enough to determine this. Oh well, my boobs still look good. I don't care.

I used to wear makeup to preschool. A lot of makeup. And not very well. Eyeshadow on my cheeks and lipstick in a big circle around my lips. AROUND, not ON. It was so attractive. I know all the boys were trying to get with me.

  

Apparently I had much more ambition then than I do now. Now, I'm lucky if I wake up on time. I rarely put makeup on for work, but I can assure you that when I do, it looks better than it did when I was three. Not a lot better, but enough that I look like a human and not a clown hooker. 

Is Honesty REALLY That Important?

I feel like everyone is getting engaged or having babies. When I'm finally asked to write a book (tomorrow?!) the first chapter will be titled "How To Be Single and Childless at 22: Simultaneously Pleasing and Disappointing Your Parents". Girls I went to high school with who are years behind me have already gotten engaged or married or have had children. Every time there’s a new announcement it reminds me more of how far behind I am in life. But after dwelling on it for hours while drowning my sorrows in a family sized bottle of white wine and a jar of pickles, I remember that I’m actually in a great place and way ahead of these other girls.

If you count the number of times I was "married" in my childhood, you'd be impressed. Having a younger brother, I was always friends with (or annoying) his guy friends. When they were 4 or 5 and too dumb to stand up to a wimpy little blonde girl I used to convince them to marry me. 

I also had a child. I don't know why everyone says being a single mom is so difficult! I guess Jessica was just really good to me. She never yelled when I stepped on her or smushed her head, only to watch it re-inflate. Come to think of it she never really said much at all. There's a possibility she did not enjoy having her head smushed as mush as I enjoyed doing it. If you have yet to realize, Jessica was a rubber doll. I never stepped on any real babies. 

Here’s my dilemma. Do I need to mention my previous marriages and children to potential suitors? Do I include that I never got a divorce and under play law I am still married to many men thus making me one of the youngest reverse polygamists ever? I'd be pissed if I found out after months (or even a week) of dating a guy that he was either married or divorced, so why shouldn't I be honest? Also, if I tell him about Jessica and if he asks what happened to her, do I say she lives on a shelf in my parent's basement? Or do I tell the truth and say I haven't seen her for fifteen-ish years and she could be on the shelf in my parent's basement or she could also be in a box without air holes?

Ugh. Honesty is a bitch. 

Oh of course, Mr. Rockefeller!

Last week I forgot my best friend’s birthday because it was the same night as my six month anniversary with my boyfriend.

Not really. That was from “Full House”, but this has undoubtedly happened to someone and I say to them, “You are a terrible friend. Facebook probably even reminded you!” If this has happened to you, you know how stressful it can be trying to make last minute reservations at the hottest restaurant in town when everyone keeps saying “I’m sorry, we’re booked.” Fear not, faithful readers! I am here to teach you how to make your way into that exclusive dining room!

Once they've told you they're booked, complain that Mr. Pitt will be so upset. You can also claim you're a descendant of Rockefeller. I know from experience that that will work. True story:

Hostess: [Fancy Restaurant]

You: I'd like to make a reservation for 4 people at 7pm.

Hostess: So sorry, but we're booked.

You: Mr. Rockefeller was looking forward to this! And I cancelled a life saving surgery to eat at your restaurant!

Hostess: We can take you at 7:15!

SUCCESS!

More risky, but probably yielding the same success rate, violently screaming: "My boyfriend is the chief of the fashion police!"  You lose the sanity and fear factors, but gain the "hostess thinks you are crazy" factor. Hopefully it's terrifying enough to get a reservation, but not so terrifying that they call the police. 

Worst case scenario is that none of these things work and you have to use your family as party guests, use toilet paper as streamers and make a hash brown potato cake. [Fun Fact: When I was little I didn't know what hash browns were. A real shame.] Disclaimer: If you do this, it will take your friend longer than a 30 minute sitcom to forgive you. I warned you!

"We Were On A Break!" and other things Ross said that piss us off

So that might be the only one. But the way he says things is definitely annoying. Sometimes it is 'who', Ross.

As sad as it is, most of us have been cheated on or have cheated on someone. It sucks. It really does. But if you’re on a break, does it still count as cheating?

To be technical, I don’t know why Rachel wanted a break. She changed her mind the next morning. That’s not much of a break if you ask me (and I know you did).  I really like Ross’ suggestion. “Let’s get some frozen yogurt or something.” BRILLIANT MAN. I don’t know why Rachel didn’t jump him right then and propose. This might have something to do with my love of froyo, but mostly I just think Rachel was being an idiot. [Potential suitors: Take me to Yogurtland or Menchie's and I'm yours.]

But what if you don’t think it’s a break? What if you’ve broken up and think there’s no chance of getting back together? First, you shouldn’t sleep with anyone within the first twenty four hours of a breakup. It’s slutty. Also, girls are indecisive and she will probably call you the next morning wanting to get back together. But mostly it’s just slutty.

Whether you're on a break or not, or you think you are, or she thinks you are, it ultimately comes down to this: IT DOESN'T MATTER. It doesn't matter if your friends say "you were on a break. she/he is wrong!" because she/he is right. The person who gets hurt is always right. Perfect example: if you get shot, you're right. I don't know how, but you just are. Mainly because you didn't shoot someone. 

To sum up, don't sleep with people. Apparently it will always end badly. You're welcome!

Sleepover vs. Sleepover

Moms are the best. Usually the number one reason for saying this is "they endured 9 months of pregnancy and hours of painful labor!" but that's not what I'm talking about. We all know childbirth isn't that painful. I know from experience, so don't question me. I'm talking about the fact that they listen to you complain for hours without ever asking you to listen to them in return. Also, they answer your drunk dials. And when you're a kid they tell you, "yes you are Superman's son" and "one day you will be able to fly" with a straight face. And when you say "I HATE YOU!" when you realize you aren't a descendant of Clark Kent, they still love you.  

My mom and I have always been pretty close. We don't tell each other everything, but we tell each other a lot. During college I was on the phone with her one morning and she noticed I was distracted, so I came clean. My friend was freaking out. She woke up in a room with a bunch of other people, in bed next to a dude, and she wanted to sneak out without waking anyone. Mom's response?

"Oh was it her first time?"

"First time what, Mom?"

"First time, you know…"

"Mom, sleeping over does not mean sleeping WITH."

And that's when I realized my mom, for years, had thought I was a ho-bag. I guess it makes sense, but then I wonder, "why didn't she ever say anything in concern?"

I mean, if I were sleeping with everything that moved, I really hope my mom would have an intervention. In my mind it would begin with her yelling "YO. HO BAG. I DID NOT RAISE YOU TO BE A SLUTTY GIRL. I RAISED YOU TO…TO…I DID NOT RAISE YOU TO BE A SLUT." 

But, regardless, even when she thought I was sleeping with everyone I had ever met, my mom never judged me. Major appreciation. You should've heard the relief in her voice with this new piece of information. 

Overall, best Mom ever. She didn't judge the daughter she thought was a whore and she doesn't judge the daughter she knows isn't.  I only wish she had been telling the truth when she said I'd be able to fly.

That Sh*t Crazy

The "Sh*t ___ Says" phenomenon was hilarious and accurate, but it's all been overdone. Now it’s just “trying too hard” instead of being funny. So, because I’m super annoyed by the meme, I’m gonna talk about it.

One of my faves was the "Sh*t Guys Don't Say Out Loud" video because it was hilarious and, in my experience, entirely FALSE.

One of my closest guy friends frequently says all of those things - and more - aloud. My favorite was the time in college when he told me, "you and your roommates should poop with the door open. It'll be a great bonding activity."  One, that's not possible - everyone knows girls don't poop. Two, my response was, "you guys poop with the door open to bond?" I don't remember his response. Either because it was uneventful or because it was so foul I blocked it out.

A guy I’ve known since my awkward middle school phase will IM me to tell me about his sexcapades. At first it was weird. It’s still weird, but now I’m so used to it that I’ve mastered the art of responding without ever reading the graphic details he provides. I don’t think I’ve told him that before. Oops. Sorry, cutie. I still love you! The one time I accidentally read his detailed recap was about the time he had sex on a spiral staircase. I was actually pretty curious about how that worked, but I was afraid of any response, so I didn’t ask. I think I regret it a little bit now. If you’re reading this, can you tell me?

A dude in college repeatedly told me that he had sex dreams about me…and my roommates. Through most of sophomore year he’d suggest we all have an orgy, but seemed surprised when I’d say no. He then mentioned this again during senior year. He is still one of my closest friends. Good news, he hasn’t suggested any of this is almost a year. MATURITY FOR THE WIN! I hope he doesn’t use this as a reason to propose it again. I will still say no, sir!

The best is when anyone announces “I’m farting”. Even though it’s the least offensive thing on this list, it’s also the most unnecessary thing to announce. We either heard it or we smell it. Even girls announce this. I don’t know why…girls don’t fart. 


Watch "Sh*t Guys Don't Say Out Loud" Here!

Dating for Dummies

If you're anything like me, you're effing awesome. But if you're anything like me when it comes to dating, you're slightly aloof.


I've been on some bad dates, some amazing dates, and some dates I didn't even know were dates. Mostly that last one.


One time I went out to a bar with friends and at the end of the night was getting in a cab and one of the guys says to me "I tried". So I said "Yeah, you did," but in my head I'm thinking "tried what?". So the next day I asked my friend (who had been with me) what "he tried". She laughed and said "Uhm. He was hitting on you. It was pretty obvious." Sad as it sounds, this was one of my more graceful moments.


Recently: I got home from dinner with a guy and in a desperate attempt for an answer I asked one of my BFFs (a guy) if it had been a date. He responded, "What is this? Middle school?". Yes, dear, it is. [Note: When it comes to dating, girls will forever be in middle school. We still get butterflies when you text us and we still want to send you that little note that says “Do you like me? Check yes or no.” Maybe that last one is just me.] He proceeded to ask “Did he kiss you?” If he kissed me we would not be having this conversation, would we? After giving him more information, guy BFF finally determined “it was either a date or an awkward attempt at a date.” That was not helpful. I later flat out asked the date/no-date boy if it had been a date. He called me a nerd and then said yes. [I know you’re wondering. Yes, I’ve seen him quite a few times since then. Apparently my awkwardness is endearing. Who knew?]


I’ve been told a few times "You know I was hitting on you the first time we met, right?" or a variation of that. Well, apparently no matter how many times I hear that, I still don’t know how to properly respond to such a statement.


Here is a list of things not to say when someone says

You know I was hitting on you the first time we met, right?

1 - "When did we meet?"
2 - "Who are you?"
3 - "Really? I definitely thought you hated me."
4 – “You actually terrified me.”
5 – “I might be a lesbian.”
6 – “I might be a man.”
7 – “I think we’re related.”
8 – “I thought your brother was smokin’!”


I am indeed guilty of using a few of those. Mainly 1 and 3. Oops.


Dating in LA is weird. Dating in general is weird. It's fun, but pretty weird. LIKE ME!

Friendship means...

When I was ten I thought I was hilarious. That's when my father first told me that I wasn't funny and should "leave humor to the professionals." I heard that all too often throughout the rest of my childhood and into my adult life. Every time he'd say that I'd feel like crap. Telling someone they aren't funny is basically saying "you're an idiot." 

Even though my dad didn't think I was funny, my friends always laughed at my stories. And that got me thinking. Did they think I was funny? Or did they laugh at my idiocy? 

About a year ago during a conversation with my mom I decided that my dad is the idiot AKA not a humor professional and I, in fact, am a comic genius. 

That's not to say humor and idiocy don't overlap, because they most certainly do. Most of my jokes are very idiotic, but I don't care if they aren't funny. That's what my therapist is for. I pay her to laugh at my bad jokes. I also paid an entourage to follow me around during college but then campus security started coming after them after other students reported possible stalkings. (And that's when my parental units got angry about me giving money to strangers.)*

But this brings me to: 

How to Differentiate Between A Real Friend and a Crazy Stalker

If you tell a bad joke and:

--the recipient's eyes get super wide like "wtf you crazy mofo?" but then laugh hysterically.  FRIEND.

--the recipient laughs hysterically without judging you.  A REALLY REALLY GREAT FRIEND. BUT MAYBE A STALKER.

--the recipient laughs before you finish the joke. or before you start talking. STALKER.

.gif courtesy of http://howdoiputthisgently.tumblr.com/post/21587648417   (and of course, "Full House"). But read that blog. It's hilarious. And a great way to procrastinate. 

Go reevaluate your friendships. Surround yourself with people who make you laugh and people you make laugh. If you/your friends cry a lot when you're all together, it's probably a sign of long lasting friendship. Unless, of course you're part of a fight club. In that case, get out. Get out now.

*I feel like it's important to note that I never paid anyone to follow me around during college and laugh at my jokes. I did have a stalker, but I most certainly never paid him.

Therapy

Therapists are great. I highly recommend everyone see a therapist. If you don't need help with anything (but believe me, you do) just pay them $150/hr for them to listen to you bitch about random things no one else gives a shit about. I guarantee your friends only care a quarter of the time you bitch. I'd say pay your friends every time you need to complain, but that could get pretty pricey and us poor post-college kids would suddenly be without our cardboard box roof and left on the street with no protection from the rain. I'm sure my parents would happily give me money to see a therapist, but they would flip out if I asked for money to give to random friends for no reason. 

Anyway, the point of this is to tell you about the best advice I ever got from any therapist I've ever had. I was somewhere in my mid to late teens and was complaining to her about a family member (FM) who would constantly ask me "have you ever been drunk? have you ever smoked a cigarette? have you ever smoked pot?" I would always say "no" to all the questions, but FM never seemed to believe me…despite the fact that it was entirely true (yes, I realize that makes my teen years seem epically sad, but I really don't give a shit.)

She told me to buy some rolling papers and loose tobacco and carry them with me to the next family affair. When FM asked me if I had ever done any of those "taboo" things, I could excuse myself to go roll a cig. 

So I never actually did this. But I changed all my answers from then on to "I don't discuss my personal life." It really pisses FM off and I still feel victorious.