Is Life In Plastic Fantastic?

When I was young I asked my mom why she didn't look like Barbie. I don't remember her reaction or response, but that's probably for the best. Maybe a more appropriate question would have been, "Mom, where are Barbie's parents? Why is she always babysitting Kelly? How does she have time to go out with Ken?"

So obviously those questions are way more sophisticated than my four year old mind could handle, but when I think about it now I'm truly curious. I can barely juggle work, sleep, and grocery shopping. How was Barbie raising her sisters, dating the cutest guy ever all while holding a bajillion jobs? I only wish I could be a scuba diver, teacher, AND aerobics instructor. 

But it comes down to this: Barbie is a mass-manufactured chunk of plastic. She's what we strive for as children and what we hate as adults. Which brings me to:

Reasons I Don't Want To Be Barbie 

(and why you probably don't want to be her either)

1) Her mouth doesn't open. I like to talk. And eat.
2) I hate the ocean and other deep water type things. I cannot scuba dive and therefore would be jobless.
3) I can't make it through an hour long aerobics class and sure as hell couldn't teach one. Jobless again.
4) She's only ever been with Ken. (I don't count that Blaine guy.) Branch out, yo! See what else is a happenin'!
5) She never had a childhood. She's been the same undetermined age for 50+ years. 
6) Her eyes don't close. No way she can sleep with her eyes open. And no way she can kiss Ken with her eyes open. With someone that close to your face you're gonna start to go cross-eyed. If you stay cross-eyed for too long, you get that way permanently - or so I've heard.
7) Her ass has her name branded all over it. That must have been painful! You know how your mom writes your name in your clothes before sleep away camp so you don't lose them? Apparently Barbie was at risk of losing her ass. 
8) Aqua wrote a song all about her and she didn't get any royalties. Lame.
9) All of her friends and siblings seem to have the same names and only look slightly different from one another. Confusing? I think so.
10) Her hair gets tangled very easily. Also, when you cut it it will not grow back. 
11) Once a broken neck, always a broken neck. [In first grade a friend pulled one of my Barbie's heads off while we were giving her a deep conditioning treatment in the sink. Barbie still has her head, but it sits on her shoulders and her neck is somewhere inside her hollow head. Yeah I'm still friggin pissed about that.] 

Reason I Want To Be Barbie

1) Her boobs are still perky (see previous post "Growing Up and Sagging Down").

Not being Barbie is clearly a lot better than being Barbie. I'm not convinced that being human is better than being a Bratz doll. We'll save that for another time...